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Looking back – and forward

July 22, 2009

(Originally Published 19/08/2007)

Inspiration doesn’t always come in a flash of clarity. Instead, sometimes it seems as though a series of small revelations are triggered by one another in very quick succession, almost like a wacky rube goldberg invention or a maze of dominoes. Why is it so easy for memory chains to become more complex once they’ve begun? There’s an old saying that my boss used to repeat over and over again: “Hindsight is always 20-20.” So, everything appears clear when reviewed at a later time? I’m not so sure that’s what it is. I think maybe all these things are making sense because I want them to. Perhaps hindsight is even better than 20-20, able to see things that one shouldn’t be able to see. Maybe the clarity is influenced by the current desires that person harbors and the lightbulbs (spluttering candles?) are merely there because they’re being sought out.

I’m not sure if I have a way of finding out if these revelations are true or not or what it would mean if I did find out. As I approach the eve of my departure, things that I wasn’t even wondering about are clicking into place. Is it too late to do anything now that I think I know the answers? I’m still going to Japan, that’s not changing. It’s something I have to do. Why does Japan always come first? Choose between head and heart, between career and friends. There actually is no choice, everything’s already been decided, and even though I know I’m doing the right thing and I’m totally excited and happy I feel like I’m missing out on something.

Why did I spend so long hanging on to something that everyone else could see would inevitably fail? I trusted, I defended, and in the end, I was disappointed. I wouldn’t give it up, it was one of the most intense periods of my life so far. No regrets, no matter what, yet why do I feel like such an idiot for missing clues until it was too late to do anything about it? And, is it really too late? I desperately hope it’s not. It’s going to be an incredible year and I’m sure even more things will begin to make sense. Will I be able to act accordingly when the time comes?

Oh how ridiculously silly this all is! I’m young and naive and hormonally imbalanced. Even though I understand what’s going on, there’s still a constant battle of decisions inside me. Actually, it’s more like a battle of indecisions. Once I’ve made a decision, it’s not hard to follow it. Who knows, maybe everything will come together again the way I want it to later on. I’m going to be spending this next year becoming more of the person I want to be. More mature, more confident, and hopefully more insightful.

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